Just Lots and Lots of Words

It's getting hard to do my homework. So i thought that I would settle down a bit by blogging. I am so happy, I just didn't know how else to properly express it. Which is great, because I wasn't quite sure until I sat down just exactly why I was so happy. There has been a lot of simple excitement going on in my life. Over the break, I had the chance to stay in beautiful, sunny California and earn money for my mission. I would be an au pair to an eccentric little family in Los Angeles, and live under the Hollywood sign. I would get the kids up in the mornings and put them down at night, and get the rest of the day to roam one of the greatest cities in America. I would earn about $10,000-enough to fully pay for my mission- all while living a dream and traveling over the summer with the family. I would get Sundays off, and an internship with a Speech Pathologist. It was all too perfect.  It wasn't right. I knew it almost instantly as I left the family's meet and greet. I didn't know why. It wasn't even a "you can make this decision because they are both good". It was a heartbreaking no. I have now found there are at least two reasons why I needed to be here:

I got called to be the Sunday School Teacher. I was so terrified the first time I taught. I didn't even know until the night before, when I was laying on my bed with the manual just crying. I felt like people expected too much out of me, and that it was just going to be a flop. I didn't want to be boring and redundant. Most of all, I was scared that I wouldn't be able to teach with the spirit, so I would be all alone, trying to drag out this horrible lesson to fill the time. It wasn't so. Well, at least to me. I feel like I get the most out of the lesson I prepare, and perhaps that's the purpose. I have found that when I start to write, I write things I didn't know I was thinking (hint, hint this drawn out blog).

My Missionary Prep class has been one of the most amazing blessings in my life. It will make me such a better missionary, a better student, a better follower of Christ, and a better Mom one day. I am, or nearly am, teary-eyed every class. I feel the spirit so much and I feel myself becoming more and more prepared to wear the name of Christ. I love that class. I know I couldn't have possibly missed it for the world. I know I would never have been so uplifted had I prepared on my own. I am so incredibly humbled that God would want me here, learning and growing, so that he could send me on a mission. I have never felt so sure of anything in my life. He wants me. I am judgmental, stubborn, and easily offended. I am not super outgoing, and have never been the greatest example of Christ-like attributes. I feel like my imperfections are so obvious. Yet I know the Lord is calling me on a mission. I am so excited it hurts.

With that excitement, I have become impatient. I submitted my papers 2 weeks ago and little things kept going wrong. I didn't check off a box on this form; my doctor's phone number wasn't written down... and I had to wait and wait and wait. I thought it would only be a couple days later I would get my final interview with my Stake President and off they would go to Salt Lake City to decide where I should go. I was getting frustrated. They kept telling me this day, and then the next, until finally it was a week past when they said they could take me. I was getting annoyed and just wanted to know where I was going. I went to the temple and just felt this peace that it in the end, it all wouldn't matter how long I waited. I was going to go just the same, and I would be blessed for it. I thought of my family and how I hoped my service and commitment would bless them. I thought of my future, and just felt this overwhelming peace that it was going to be amazing, and to just be patient. That I would get my call, and I should be grateful for the time I have to be excited and wonder and pray about it. My interview is tomorrow.

I have also had this nagging fear that I am in the wrong major. I just haven't been in love with the classes (I mean, come on...anatomy nearly killed me and that was alongside a grammar course...) and was scared that I should be loving the classes, especially when I would need to complete graduate school in order to get a decent job. But I was scared that I didn't want to get out of it in fear of wasting money and time in classes that I've already taken. That I would just choose to stay in this major because I could make good money, and have good job placement, or that everyone else that has done it loves it. I had been praying to know if I was in the right major, and if not, to have the courage to leave it. I want to be happy, not stuck. Today, on my way to Speech Anatomy (which I had already decided to hate because of it's title) I ran into a group of first graders on a field trip. They were so energetic and happy and I just thought how fun and fulfilling my career would be working with them. I guess I got my answer.

So, as long winded as that is, I have found happiness.The Lord has been with me every day and that is such a blessing. I am so humbled that he has such a hand in my life, and that it is of importance to him. I am so humbled to know the answers to my prayers. I know I won't always get them as easily or quickly as I have lately, but I am savoring the time that I do. It is amazing to feel like I am in the right place, at the right time, doing the right things.